I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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