Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
