he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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