dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
