Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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