I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You can't special order awesome
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
