He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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