She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
