Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
