I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
