I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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