I'm going to rape someone's good day.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
