I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
