Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
