Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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