I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
