This is not my ceiling
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk