Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
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Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
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you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.