all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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