I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
