remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me