Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."