Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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