You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?