I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
