The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
