grandma shit on top of the toilet
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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