I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
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dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
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You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!