my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
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he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
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She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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