My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
What is this nonsense on the table
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY