I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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