I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
