i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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