Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
