meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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