did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
