Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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