I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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