Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
