I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
