I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
