I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
