The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
