Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
