I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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