he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
