Your face is a jimmy john
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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