so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
3pm strippers are depressing
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.