I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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