I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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