Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?