i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
