I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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