I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
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GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.