Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.