She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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