omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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