i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
