I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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