I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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