i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
