is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
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I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
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so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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