so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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