Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
