either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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