my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
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My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
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I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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