The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
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