I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
