I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
