Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
