its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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